“RIVER” is to AKB48 what the 3rd Symphony, “Eroica,” was to Beethoven.
And the way I figure is this: “Eroica” was pretty much the first step in Beethoven revolutionizing the form of the symphony FOREVAR. Before that, his other symphonies had been cute little copies of Haydn, albeit already with the fancy-ass introductions and whackjob key changes that would become his trademark. But whereas, in the olden days, a symphony was supposed to be this 20-minute piece of fluff that you could knit to, Beethoven said to himself, fuck that shit, how about 20 minutes for the entire FIRST MOVEMENT. And how about the entire symphony be, like, 45 minutes long. I bet I can make those Viennese n00bs sit down and listen for 45 minutes if I felt like it!
So he did.
Fortunately, one does not need to sit down for 45 minutes to enjoy “RIVER” (although it would be awesome if you could), but you do have to sit down for 5 minutes and withstand a barrage of unexpected musical styles, including an entire first minute that is essentially notated as “N.C.” (no chord). The whole thing is as transformative as the idea of a 45-minute symphony; it’s a song that overturns the idea of AKB48—if not all of idoldom—being these randomly hyper dance-pop songs that you can knit to. (Besides knitting, they are also great for multiplayer shooter games. You try popping a cap upside the head of some bad dude in Uncharted 2 with “Aitakatta” blaring in the background. THUG LIFE.)
A new analytical method is proposed for the study of sales figures of Japanese female pop idol performers. In this method, the standard analysis of total single sales is combined with the spacing of the calendar year in order to provide a more accurate picture of how the artist’s popularity changes over time. In addition, this analysis attempts to chart the phenomenon of “peak populairty” by normalizing sales figures to the highest selling single and superimposing sales charts for performers that peaked during different eras.
Introduction
Knowing that most idol fans have the approximate mathematical ability of A ROCK, it is always fun to see them rave and rant over SALES NUMBERS. Aside from the basic idea that HIGH = GOOD and LOW = BAD, they generally have no idea what to do with them. Some primitive attempts have been made at tabulating these figures, although they show little sophistication aside from the ability to line up numbers in a straight line and pick out which numbers are higher or lower than others.
In addition, other primitive attempts have been made to compare the popularity peaks of different idol groups by entirely unscientific studies such as “When did you start liking them” and “When did you stop liking them,” which is kind of like trying to launch a space shuttle by sticking your finger in the air to gauge the windspeed, banging two cans of liquid oxygen together, and hoping that everything kind of works.
Studies such as these show poor or nonexistent technical groundwork, and a more rigorous analysis is desired. Preferably one with graphs. Do they not teach people how to do graphs in school anymore?
Here's the story ... of 9 lovely ladies ... who had grown up from 9 very lovely girls ...
Mitsui joined. Yoshizawa graduated. The pandas showed up. Fujimoto slunk out the back door.
And just like that, we were left with the longest-running, most stable lineup in Morning Musume history (years after most normal people had given up on the group because it was too confusing trying to keep up with all the changes). But now, with Koharu Kusumi packing her bags and getting ready to go, we look back and ponder the mysteries of the era from “Onna ni Sachi Are” to “Kimagure Princess.” Why didn’t they audition for any new generations? (Part of the INBOU theorist in me believes that after all H!P programming on TV got canned, there was no longer an outlet through which auditions could be held and publicized.) Why didn’t anyone graduate?* (Probably because all the current members realized that there was no hope for them elsewhere in the entertainment industry.) Was this truly the best chemistry that MM ever had, or had fans just come to believe that because they’d gotten used to the same lineup for so long?
*Supplementary research tells me that this is because management was trying to keep the lineup stable so that Japan could re-learn who the girls are. Yeah, how’s that working for you guys?
And what if you tried to recreate the Nine Smile Morning Musume with members of AKB48?
Everyone’s having a go at Kimagure Princess these days. But they’re missing the point.
Taking a cue from Vee, I figured I would have a go at this Realtime PV Review business and say what needed to be said about S/mileage’s “Asu wa Date na no ni, Ima Sugu Koe ga Kikitai.” Unfortunately I don’t think I did as good a job as she did. Needs MOAR beer.
Also, I tend to mumble, so you can hit the “Menu” in the lower right corner and turn on English subtitles that transcribe what I’m saying.
