Fall, 2008
“WHAT IS THIS? What is the meaning of this?!”
this pronoun. 1. the person, thing, or idea that is present or near in place, time, or thought or that has just been mentioned 2 the one nearer or more immediately under observation or discussion…
“That’s not what I meant! I mean … what is this, this pyon pyon, fumu fumu, yeah yeah? Hah?”
That, Mister Tsunku, is the greatest lyrical hook since “Who Let the Dogs Out?! WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!”
“Shut up! I … I can’t believe you and your people produced Shugo Chara Egg’s debut single behind my back like this!”
It worked, didn’t it? All the kids are humming it.
“Well, I can’t deny that. But what about the ending song?! What is this ‘Lotta Lotta Lotta Love’ or whatever? And who came up with that fantastic guitar riff that permeates the whole song? It’s like, tied with ‘Renai Rider’ for the best Buono! single EVRAR!! And I had nothing to do with it!”
I know, right? Isn’t it great? You just provide the girls, and the awesome music provides itself.
“I still remember the time when I was the one providing awesome music.”
Mister Tsunku, Mister Tsunku … that time has come and gone. You are still a great idol producer, but you’re really overstretching yourself if you think you can manage all those groups AND still do the technical duties.
“Don’t patronize me! I was the lead singer of Sharan Q, for God’s sake! I’ve still got it! I know I do! If you would give me just ONE CHANCE to produce a Shugo Chara! single…”
Come on now, don’t you have some Berryz songs to write? Or some Momusu stuff to work on?
“I won’t put up with your stonewalling anymore. We’re into the show’s second year, the fans are totally into it, and Yuuka Maeda is the cutest moeblob ever. It’s time I had MY share of the fun.”
Mister Tsunku! Where do you think you’re going?
“To the place I ought to be … inside the recording studio!”
No, you’re only going to ruin everything! Mister Tsunku! MISTER TSUNKU! COME BACK!!!
Late 2008
WHAT IS THIS? What is the meaning of this?
“this pronoun. 1. the person, thing, or idea that is present or near in place, time, or thought or that has just been mentioned 2 the one nearer or more immediately under observation or discussion…”
Shut up! I mean, WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?
“It was Tsunku, sir! We couldn’t stop him! He just barged into the studio and started spewing out cheesy melodic hooks and poorly thought-out chord progressions! Before we knew it we came out with this!”
So that’s how you ended up with co⚫no⚫mi⚫chi? My goodness, this sounds like … like he tried to write a Morning Musume song as a Buono song! This is ridiculous!
“I know! That’s why we tried to hide the crapness by adding a bunch of guitars in the arrangement. But Tsunku’s style is so distinctive that the song still sounds horrible!”
I see.
“On the other hand the B-side is pretty awesome.”
Well, it’s too late to do anything else. We’ll have to release this as a single AND as a Shugo Chara! opening theme. My fear is that, people will mark this moment as the point that the show started to suck.
“Oh, don’t worry sir, the filler episodes have already taken care of that.”
What really worries me, though, is that this is going to end up on the new album in a couple of months. And drag down everything else with it.
“Well, it’s still going to have ‘Kiss,’ and ‘Gachinko,’ and ‘Rottara’ on it … but …”
I suppose it can’t be helped. We’re going to have to dump this on the second Buono! album and hope that people won’t be too upset by its inferiority to the first. I’m counting on all of you to come up with some good non-single tracks.
“Oh, I don’t know sir … That’s going to be awfully hard now that Tsunku has sapped our will to live, much less to write good music. I mean when he’s in the room you just start thinking of the chorus of ‘LOVE Machine’ over and over plus you don’t really want to tell him ‘NO’ because he is kind of a pop music legend and who the hell are we but a bunch of anime theme song writers.”
Geez! Have some confidence in yourselves! The fact that you are career songwriters is EXACTLY why you guys do a better job than Tsunku. He has too wear too many hats, he’s got too many things to take care of, and it’s driving him nuts. But the rest of you—I trust you can get the job done.
“Well … there IS this Coldplay song I’ve been getting into lately, maybe I could rip that off and put it on the album … it’s always been my GOAL to write a song of that caliber…”
Sure, whatever, that sounds fine. Just do what it takes to hide Tsunku’s obvious faults.
Summer, 2009
I’m sure all of you are aware of why I called you here.
“It’s about Mr. Tsunku, isn’t it?…”
Pin pon! Yes, in case you haven’t noticed, his bad songwriting has CONTINUED to plague the group. I thought you people were going to fix that.
“We tried! Seriously, we did! But it’s just so hard … I mean, his songs are unbelievably BAD…”
Yes, like, what the hell happened with that last single?
“You mean ‘MY BOY’? Well, at least the stupid ass wotas are praising that one to high heaven and back…and the PV is great…”
DON’T MAKE EXCUSES! You know full well why the stupid ass wotas think that song is so great! They simply don’t know any better!
“Sorry, sorry! Yes, I admit it, we dumped as much distortion guitar and frenzied drumming on that as possible to hide the complete lack of harmonic and melodic conception! Plus that irritating synth line in the intro! It was just … well, if you’d seen what Tsunku had put down on paper you’d be desperate too!”
What DID he put down on paper?
“You wouldn’t believe this, but, I mean … the verse! The entire verse uses, like, TWO CHORDS! It’s pathetic! And the actual melody is about FOUR NOTES! A sixth-grader can do better music than this!”
I have often suspected that Tsunku’s musical education pretty much stopped in the sixth grade, and that the rest of his career simply came as a result of playing by ear and being in the right place at the right time.
“And have you seen his draft for the next single? It’s ridiculous! Well, we did finally talk him into a using little more melodic variety, but geez … the title of the song is a freakin’ ripoff of The Eagles—”
He wants to call the next single ‘Hotel California’?
“No, he wants to call it ‘Take It Easy,’ but still! It makes no sense! And he wants the arrangers to make it SOUND like The Eagles too!”
WHAT? You mean boring-ass acoustic-guitar-laced lite-rock that appeals mainly to middle-aged men who think that kind of music is still cool?! What the hell kind of anime does he think Shugo Chara! is? What the hell kind of pop group does he think Buono is?!!
“I don’t know, but … you have to stop him!! We’ve tried everything but his shitty songwriting is too powerful!”
We’re done for. If we don’t get a third season for the show—and if he doesn’t shape up and understand the way he’s supposed to be writing these songs—we’re dead. Buono! is as good as dead.
to be continued
Tags: Airi Suzuki, Buono!, Hello! Project, LOL, Miyabi Natsuyaki, Momoko Tsugunaga, Shugo Chara, Shugo Chara Egg, Tsunku
