WELL, the other day I picked up the September 2010 issue of Entame specifically for the purpose of enjoying Tomomi Itano’s gravure shoot. Now I realize that not a lot of people are into this magazine, mostly because it’s one of those skeevy tabloid-type publications hiding behind more eye-pleasing options such as Weekly Playboy, Friday, and UTB, and well away from the manga and anime mags where the rest of you weeaboos hang out. But MAN, you shoulda seen some of those Tomochin bikini shots! U MAY download them here.
ANYWAY, the point of what I’m trying to say is, I picked up Entame (which is short for “Entertainment”) and discovered that right behind the epic 10 pages of Tomomi hotness was a full-length report on AKB48′s whole excursion to Los Angeles and Anime Expo!
THIS was a very very pleasant (and hilarious) [namida?] surprise.
I scanned each of the pages and used my ub4r l33t Moonspeak skills to vaguely guess what the article was saying. Please follow along with my running commentary!
AKB48 Los Angeles performance long-ass exclusive report!
In the first page of the comic we see THE GUY (“E-in-charge”) being told by his magazine editor that he will be heading to L.A. to cover AKB48. Of course THE GUY goes “L.A. … *DROOOOOOL*” to which his editor immediately replies, “HEY! THIS IS FOR WORK!” Quite frankly, Mr. Editor Person, I have traveled to opposite ends of America chasing down AKB48 on their international travels and nothing will ever stop me from going *DROOOOOOL* at them.
So THE GUY makes the plane trip to L.A. and he is shocked, SHOCKED that his point of arrival is already packed by 10 a.m. and HOLY SHIT the dude from Tokyo Sports is there. Apparently that’s his big rival or something, like how I used to hate seeing the same damn people at every single convention panel I was covering at Anime Expo and Comic-Con the past several years. Of course one of those people actually WORKS for my organization now so What The Hell.
The front girls arrived at L.A. first and THE GUY is totally excited to meet them in person like the blubbering stupid ass wota that he is (AND FRANKLY BUDDY, I DON’T BLAME YOU) and they even let the J-Press take pictures of the girls while they’re traveling on the bus! 20 minutes later they get to Griffith Park where they all gawk at the Hollywood sign like the precious Japanese tourists that they are and he snaps a few more pics.
And then of course the night before the concert he can’t sleep because he’s JET LAGGED AHAHAHAHAHA.
Part 2! Rehearsal EXCLUSIVE!
THE GUY wakes up for the Opening Ceremonies Red Carpet entrance at AX and he’s like, “Fuck this jetlag I’m sleepy.” But apparently not too sleepy to miss freakin’ Beni Arashiro, and making a mental note of all the foreign-ass weeaboos! LOL! Then he takes the obligatory Red Carpet Photo of the group, which BY THE WAY I WAS THERE TOO and apparently some black guy asked him “Dude why the hell are all the Japanese press chasing after those girls?” to which he replies in broken Engrish, “AY KAY BEE IZU MOST POPURAR….” (… hey man, was that Darius from OtakuUSA? Anyway.)
This is followed by the Opening Ceremonies where a poorly drawn caricature of Tomomi Itano introduces herself in English, along with the rest of the group.
Then it’s off to rehearsals right away, and of course THE GUY goes chasing after them because who the hell cares about the other Guests of Honor at Anime Expo?! Japan wouldn’t even know Eden of the East if it slapped them in the face and kicked them in the nads! ANYWAY, the rehearsal session is led by Takamina it seems, and then we get a bunch more hilariously cheesy caricatures of the members (there is NO WAY Ami Maeda’s eyebrows are that small, get it right people). Also: MY WIFE and Haruna caught in a candid moment of utter jetlaggery.
The fans start showing up for the concert, and despite what REALLY happened at the event it would appear in this manga-fied dramatization that the only people who went to see AKB48 in L.A. are white and black people. I thank you, Entame, for politely drawing a discreet veil over the shame of the Asian-American male.
I really don’t know what to say about those scrubby white dudes at the bottom of Panel 1 going “WOW!” “SO CUTE!”
I applaud you for your enthusiasm.
Then here’s a bunch of simplified illustrations depicting the outfits from the unit songs, which unfortunately fail to convey the UTTER BADASSERY OF “BLUE ROSE” WHICH BTW INCLUDED MY WIFE. Also, cosplay chicks, you two are now FAMOUS. Please stand up and be recognized! Basically this whole page is a rundown of the concert with lots of random Engrish and in the last panel it says that as the concert came to a close, America had been totally MOE~d which I supposed is one way of putting it.
After the concert, the J-press was actually invited out to dinner WITH THE GIRLS which makes me want to choke a bitch out of jealousy. I mean, THE GUY was just sitting there watching them eat LIKE THE CREEPY STALKER THAT HE IS and he stared at Tomochin’s glass thinking, “Hey, if I drink from this by accident, do I get an indirect kiss from Tomomi Itano?” Goodness gracious how old are you buddy? But then THE ASSHAT from Tokyo Sports was talking shit to him so I guess that makes up for it wahahahaha. This is followed by some comment by Acchan on how she enjoyed the concert and MY WIFE sucking on a watermelon. Then of course THE GUY starts crying manly wota tears because tomorrow is their last day.
I really fecking hate that panel with Sayaka in it because it reminds me of the AWFUL discussion panel which only gets worse and worse in my memory even though it wasn’t necessarily THAT bad, just that the fans asked a lot of dumb rambly questions (“Are you interested in TRADITIONAL JAPANESE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC” to which Sayaka goes, “FU bitch, I’m an idol singer, kotos and sanshins sell for like bajillions of yen and I have NO MONEY”) and the gundamn manager kept interrupting.
Then this asshat with the orange hair says “ACTUALLY I’M A MAYUYU FAN” straight to Rie Kitahara’s face, which is like the 3rd most asshatic thing you can do as a wota. You are lucky that Rie is one of the soft-spoken types so she just kindly replied, “But I’m not her!” instead of BEATING YOUR SORRY ASS.
Finally THE GUY goes out for dinner AGAIN with the girls (and the rest of the J-press), which is followed by lots of poorly lit photo-taking in a Beverly Hills restaurant where Sayaka admits to being AKB’s foreign ambassador and Mocchi takes food pictures for her blog. Of course. OF COURSE.
And at last he goes back home to Japanland but too bad he didn’t get to make a doofy inside joke with the girls like I did. LOLOLOLOL!!!
The four-panel comic is titled “YES, Fall in Love.”
Apparently THE GUY hadn’t yet picked an oshimen (d00d you call yourself an AKBtard and you didn’t even have a favorite until you went on the trip?) so he’s like “Weeeell … Acchan and Tomochin have both been featured in Entame …. and a lot of folks like Reinyan …. ” then he decides after having jolly times in L.A. that Asuka Kuramochi is his #1. Because she has a cute smile and likes pro wrestling! She even lets him take a cell phone pic of her! LOL! But when he starts thinking about MAWWIAGE she kindly points out “Y’know my dad is kinda scary” because he’s a former professional baseball player and all. That shuts him up real quick.
Then there’s a bunch of fan interviews, at which point I would like to reiterate HEY COSPLAY CHICKS YOU TWO ARE FAMOUS NOW. Let’s give it up for Katie and Liz. Also, this guy from Le France named Philip (Philippe?) who EVEN WENT TO SEE AKB48 AT YOKOHAMA ARENA, goodness gracious don’t any of you have regular jobs! (Oh wait, that’s right, Europeans go on vacation for like two months every summer.) Lastly, Ken-wearing-a-hilarious-Takamina-jersey flew in all the way from Japan to see the girls. Man, you people need lives. And so do I.