The Top 10 J-Idol Photobooks of 2009

2009 was the year that was … in photobooks. It was a year that saw the Face of AKB get her first, while the Miracle of Momusu got her last, with a whole lot of bikini surprises in between. These are the ten that made their mark.

1. Koharu Kusumi – Sugar Doll

I will say this: If Koharu hadn’t graduated this year, this probably would have ranked second. But placed in the context of current events, this photobook (and accompanying DVD) elevates itself to the level of an era-defining masterpiece—not merely Koharu’s best, but one of Hello! Project’s best. It is an unforgettable farewell performance, a glossy hardcover memento of everything Koharu is and was to Morning Musume. We watched her grow from a gawky prepubescent girl to a stunning young woman, and she left us with a parting gift that fans will treasure (and fap to) forever.

25 Days of Delicious Cake: Day 19

meow

Longcat is long.

AKB48 vs. Beethoven: Buh Buh Buh Bummmm

Seriously, though: fix your hair.

“RIVER” is to AKB48 what the 3rd Symphony, “Eroica,” was to Beethoven.

And the way I figure is this: “Eroica” was pretty much the first step in Beethoven revolutionizing the form of the symphony FOREVAR. Before that, his other symphonies had been cute little copies of Haydn, albeit already with the fancy-ass introductions and whackjob key changes that would become his trademark. But whereas, in the olden days, a symphony was supposed to be this 20-minute piece of fluff that you could knit to, Beethoven said to himself, fuck that shit, how about 20 minutes for the entire FIRST MOVEMENT. And how about the entire symphony be, like, 45 minutes long. I bet I can make those Viennese n00bs sit down and listen for 45 minutes if I felt like it!

So he did.

Fortunately, one does not need to sit down for 45 minutes to enjoy “RIVER” (although it would be awesome if you could), but you do have to sit down for 5 minutes and withstand a barrage of unexpected musical styles, including an entire first minute that is essentially notated as “N.C.” (no chord). The whole thing is as transformative as the idea of a 45-minute symphony; it’s a song that overturns the idea of AKB48—if not all of idoldom—being these randomly hyper dance-pop songs that you can knit to. (Besides knitting, they are also great for multiplayer shooter games. You try popping a cap upside the head of some bad dude in Uncharted 2 with “Aitakatta” blaring in the background. THUG LIFE.)

Angels and Devil Girls: Cracking the INBOU48 Code

What does the reshuffling of AKB48′s Teams portend for the rest of humankind? Will the seas run red with blood, will the great Leviathan rise from the depths, will the awful horror reign for 1290 days? (For comparison purposes, remember that George W. Bush was President of the United States for 2922 days.) Has the downfall of Japanese civilization, marked by declining population growth and two decades of economic malaise, entered its final stages?

Wow, it's like Excel is finally useful for something.

If there is one thing I have learned from working at a major Japanese corporation (albeit its US division), it is that they love to make managerial moves for the sake of making managerial moves. Not that this accomplishes anything, but it sure looks like you’re “doing something” when people get shuffled around. Of course, plenty of other corporations around the world also do this, but it is Japan that has raised these corporate shenanigans to the level of art, where you can be Product Manager one month and then suddenly be moved to Engineering Manager (even if the last time you “engineered” something was for a senior year college project) and if they really don’t like you, you get exiled to Sales.

What I see right now is a lot of idols being exiled to Sales.

Who put them there? Yasushi Akimoto, you think? Of course not! When a paradigm shift of this magnitude occurs, it can only be the invisible blue hand of INBOU.

INBOU